Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Catercrombie & Fish

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

he’ll never suspect a thing

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree