@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.

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@djdarrellripley

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

@Sirrruh

I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission

@Love_bug1016

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

@PopSlapFunk

5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”

Me: …

5: …

Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”

@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

@abbycohenwl

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

@sbellelauren

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

@ThisLocalHater

You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger

@jared_ish

I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”

@caperbc75

*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!