This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Spa day..😅
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Trumpy Cat
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.