Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.

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Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.


I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission


“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.


5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”

Me: …

5: …

Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”


Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.


Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*


shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period


You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger


I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”


*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!