“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Not recommended for beginners.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
See..?
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password