“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
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WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
lmfao
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Hotels are back
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo