Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
You Might Also Like
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
monday
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
stop
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that