Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.