Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
You Might Also Like
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Mountain Goat : )
An odd boast
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Covid like
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.