“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies