Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”