Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I feel attacked.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON: