Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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Where’s my employee discount too?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
yeet
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.