Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
twitter users today:
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I’m never leaving this app.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Oh deer
