Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Good advice.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Breaking news:

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her: