Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.