Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.