Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up