Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg