Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

john wicks are toilet candles

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.