Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.