Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.