Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I went from rags to one rag.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes