where’s Godzilla when we need him
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.