where’s Godzilla when we need him
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Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.