where’s Godzilla when we need him
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Just as the prophecy foretold
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.