where’s Godzilla when we need him
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
🤭😂
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.