Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
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“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Pretty much! 😂👀
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong