Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Lube but for my dry humor.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
😭😭😭😭
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
i wonder why they stopped looking