Where’s my employee discount too?
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I would like even faster food.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes