Where’s my employee discount too?
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Life hack
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Previously On Persistence 😎
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!