Where’s my employee discount too?
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
buys donuts instead
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.