Where’s my employee discount too?
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.