Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Artwork by Herta Burbe

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Um … Hot Wings please

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

ㅤ

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.