where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.