where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
best review i’ve ever seen
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.