Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.