where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
What the dentist sees
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*