Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?