Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed