Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!