Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Just say no

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.