Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

Does this dress make me look cat?

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane