Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?