Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!