Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
getting corrected
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”