Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

#Caturday

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack