Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

guilty

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better