Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

She was REALLY feeling it.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic