Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Just grow your own

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in