Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

thanksgiving in nutshell

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different