Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
![]()
You Might Also Like
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
![]()
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
![]()
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
![]()
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.