Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
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There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.