Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
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in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
