Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
me adding lol on a serious message
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12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update