Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

I got bills

They’re multiplying

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day