Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
That’s commitment
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*