Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.