Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.