Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
#oldknees
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
