Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
i’m gonna allow it
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
