Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
