which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The absolute effort that went into this omg
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”