Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

dutch is not a serious language

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.