which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
girls literally only want one thing..
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
bugs when you lift up a rock
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27