which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.