which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Did…did a minotaur write this
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
bears
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”