Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

selena gomez

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate