Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
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I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Cake!!
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking