Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
relationship goals
why would tinder want me to say this
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single