Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Dammit Chief not again

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.