@JJSummertime

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

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@PyrBliss

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

@AndyAsAdjective

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

@SladeWentworth

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

@Kids_kubed

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

@sonictyrant

Me: do you wanna play peaches?

Wife: *sigh* no

Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!

Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again

@Gupton68

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

@dragonsorbet

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes