I didn’t know Sony was hiring.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Me: do you wanna play peaches?
Wife: *sigh* no
Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!
Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: do you like bad boys?
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS