Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.