Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I feel seen.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…