Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing