Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere