Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

#NeverForget

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell