Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

Cat.

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

Just say no

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.