Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?