which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
i think we should see other cousins
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
My life is fraught with reality
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.